I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.