I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king