HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?