*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.