The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
These are too funny not to post 😂
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
But I really needed water water water
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches