Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now