therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
As the Lord intended
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here