cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
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I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Where’s my employee discount too?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Barbie gone wild
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Every BBC series about the universe.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.