Barbie gone wild
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Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
no
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far