I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
plums roundup
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high