My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
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just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.