[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*