@NikiWithIssues

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

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@JimGaffigan

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

@TheBoydP

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

@GrantTanaka

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

@ZingingCutie

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

@peachgrenade

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

@sad_tree

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”