What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

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How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto


WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not


I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?


Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most


If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.


Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it


ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian


It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.


[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”