@NikiWithIssues

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

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@leechee420

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@neiltyson

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

@mrt1m

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

@Xtina_Crawford

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

@CatJacquesESPN

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible