Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I laughed at this way too hard.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.