i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.