hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
(by @ZachWeiner )
My favorite sport ? Lasagna