The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Beware…..
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law