Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
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Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.