Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
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batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box