My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going