“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”