As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more