*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
some cats are just doing for fun!
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.