Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
5 ways to appear taller
sensitive skin
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect