PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…