Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???