Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
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Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered