thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
You Might Also Like
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Denise please return my vape pen
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.