Denise please return my vape pen
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If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated