Denise please return my vape pen
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
pelicons
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
🤣🤣🤣
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍