Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
You Might Also Like
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.