One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
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Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
How do you like your Corgi?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???