*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Sharon, call the vet
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.