If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
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something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
this country is so goddamn polarized
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue