Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare