My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.