Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
it must be school picture day
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
#merica
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums