I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
wish me luck lads
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
this is me
#math
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*