If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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Reporter: *ports again*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
How it started: How it’s going:
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
incredible
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.