I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…