Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
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If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.