who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
You Might Also Like
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.