HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
You Might Also Like
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My first son he is wonderful
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.