The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
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I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
you stereotypes are all alike
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”