Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork