yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
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Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.