I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.