Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
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I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.