running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.