I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
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My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
pep talk
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.