My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
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Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
This could’ve been an email.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.