My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.